Camp Cook (2007)

I am in a school bus. 

It's been covered in a pretty terrible magic mushroom mural with the words “Magic Bus” spray-painted where the words “School Bus” normally are. Inside, all the seats have been replaced with clunky, beat-up kitchen appliances that look as though they’ve been rescued from a junk pile. When the bus moves, everything is held in place by old, sagging bungee cords. Nothing holds the cooks down as they sit on the countertops and pray to the bus gods for a swift and merciful end.

My sister and I are those cooks.

We prepare breakfast, lunch, and dinner for 30 tree planters in the middle of No Man’s Land logging country. Two of our planters have disappeared on a coke binge and while we await their triumphant return, a small(ish) bear terrorizes our Mess Tent every morning.

Things on this bus that are trying to kill me:

1. There’s a small gas leak in the front of the oven that often results in a surprise flame that needs to be blown out immediately 5+ times a day.

2. The hose attached to the sink faucet does not stay attached depending on how high the water pressure decides to be. This generally makes itself known exactly when the gas explosion flame does. 

3. The headlights on the bus point up to the sky. This was not a fun discovery.

It is August 2007, and I have just mastered the valuable workplace skill of not getting exploded and/or eaten by bears.